A Change In Direction

      Peace. Determination. Purpose. This is what I felt the moment I received my diagnosis of Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma on August 2, 2013. These three emotions were my confidants, my cheerleaders, my drive throughout my six months of grueling chemotherapy. Not that weren't hard days. There were. Not that I didn't get momentarily discouraged. I did. But I had God's Peace. I was Determined not to be defined by my diagnosis, so I continued working full time as a Pre-K teacher throughout my treatment. I had Purpose to let God's love shine through to others during my treatment. 

     This may seem wild, but I reveled daily in how blessed I was. I was  surrounded by so much love. My husband and my 10 month old daughter brought me insurmountable joy. My family and friends brought fierce love and support. My co-workers rallied around me to ensure my success. Even strangers took time out of their day to bring me encouragement. 

    On February 20, 2014, I found that my battle with cancer was over. How we celebrated! We profusely thanked the God that had walked us through the mire of sickness for all He had orchestrated, taught, and accomplished during that time. And then we moved on with our lives. My husband, Jeff and I finished the process of becoming foster/ adoptive parents within a month of receiving the title of "In Remission." We set up a welcoming bedroom, complete with bunk beds, toys, and storage space for the little loves that we would be pouring our lives in to. I researched and studied ways to help foster children cope with their losses and developmental delays. We talked about visiting the Ugandan slums to offer love and relief there. We were ready for the next step in our lives. We had arrived. 

Then the unthinkable happened.

Have you ever been in a car wreck? Your whole being is moving with great momentum in a particular direction. You are committed to going that direction- you know your destination and you are heading steadily towards it. Then, with a terrifying jolt, you find yourself completely discombobulated. Your entire reality is spinning out of control. You are powerless to stop it. With no warning, your direction has completely changed, leaving you confused, disoriented, and battered. One moment is all it takes for your reality to change. This was my experience two days ago.

"Unfortunately, the pathology found some malignant cells. I am so sorry."

My hands shake and my eyes tear up, even as I type that last line. Because this is raw and this is my reality. After only three months in remission, I once again have cancer. I am desperately searching to find Peace, Determination, and Purpose, but they have abandoned me. All I can see is the storm- the looming waves upon waves of Dread, Resignation, and Confusion. They are surrounding me. They batter me and threaten to pull me under. This is all I can sense- I am completely overwhelmed. For this moment. 

Here is the beautiful thing about the Jesus that I love so dearly. Even though these waves tower higher than I can fathom, even though all logic and reason say I am lost, I love a God who is Present.

I do not see His Purpose now, but He undeniably has one. "'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the LORD. 'And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.'" (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)

I do not feel the same Determination to not be my diagnosis. I am overwhelmed with dread at what my next treatment will look like and the toll it will take on my body. But God is my Helper. "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13) 

I do not feel Peace and this is the hardest loss. Despair is at my doorstep. But God is my comforter. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23: 4 NASB)

And so, for now, when answers are unknown and Plans lay hidden, all I can say is "It is well with my soul." 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 
May Peace be with you always,
Rachelle