Life Lessons from Veggie Tales and Toilet Training

Ok, ok, so I know this is supposed to be my During/ After treatment post, but really treatment is not that interesting. I couldn't imagine boring you with the details of sitting in a chair, not moving, sleeping, and then going home and doing more of the same. There were definite highlights, which I feel do deserve to be shared, however:

• My all-time favorite nurse, who calls herself my second mom, was in charge of my care during my first day of treatment, which was a huge blessing.
• I will not have to cook for a month. Maybe more. Due to the thoughtful organizing of a close friend and some coworkers, my family was provided with huge, delicious meals every night during treatment and the days following. They have signed on to do this every time I receive treatment, and we have just been so touched. Feeding a picky toddler is a challenge on the best of days, one that I worry about more than I probably should. Not having to worry about where my family's next meal is coming from or how we are going to muster the energy to make it is such a load off our shoulders. Its the little things, y'all.
• Nausea has not been as horrendous this time around. I am tired like you wouldn't believe- breathing is exhausting, but feeling nauseous is worse than fatigue, so I'll take it.

So that is treatment in a nutshell. It was hard emotionally, but I was surrounded by love and warm fuzzies the entire time. One down, two more treatments to go before the big Mama Jama. Now, on to more interesting things...


Our family is a pretty predictable lot. My daughter has some pretty strong sensory sensitivities, so she thrives in an environment she can predict. This is no problem for me, because I am very much a creature of habit and monotony. Every morning, Olive and I wake up and shuffle to the couch for some early morning snuggles. I turn on Spotify, then make my way to the kitchen to grab Olive's juice and my coffee. (If you are unaware of this Godsend of an app, its seriously the best thing since buttered bread- imagine being able to legally listen to ANY music that you want with the quick stoke of a few computer keys, without having to pay for the individual album. It has saved this Mommy's sanity and wallet many a time.)  I shuffle back into the living room for more cuddles, usually accompanied with some pretty adorable, sleepy dancing from my girl. This is our thing and we do it. Every. Morning.  Unfortunately music is not excluded from my child's preference for predictability. We usually have to listen, not only to the same album, but also the same song, over, and over, and OOOOVVVEEERRRR. So imagine my euphoria when my daughter discovered a new soundtrack to jam out to this morning (THAT ISN'T FROZEN OR DORA- praise God from whom all blessings flow!) She chose a Veggie Tale soundtrack that has a lot of the good ol' Bible songs that I grew up on. As we sang and danced, I noticed many of the songs on this particular album surrounded one of my biblical favorites, Joshua . *NERD ALERT: As a lover of drama, history and details, I hold few things more precious than Old Testament stories.  I have very few words on just how much I cherish these tales of humans struggling with their humanity, in light of God and his holiness. I have a special affinity for the Exodus story/ acquisition of the Promised Land. I have always enjoyed it, and so, while humming "Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho," I decided to reread the story. This was a casual decision- I was  not expecting much more than to enjoy a morning of light reading of a beloved story- then BOOM!!! MIND BOMB!!! I was overwhelmed with such an awesome God Moment that I had to share.

As many of you know, I have been searching for a reason/ purpose behind my illness reappearing. I was really ok with the fact that my body was riddled with cancer before I was 30...for the first time... The second time around just seemed a little excessive. I felt that if I could only understand why this was happening, I could regroup and attack this new appearance of cancer with gusto.  I needed motivation to live beyond my diagnosis. Well praise Jesus, and hallelujah, I have found it tucked away in the pages of a story that I have read at least a thousand times- in the very first chapter of Joshua.

Many people are down on the Israelites of the Old Testament, but I have always felt they had a really rough rap. They went through the most astounding spiritual victories, only to turn around and face the most devastating of defeats. They saw the hand of God and the devastation of man, seemingly at regular intervals. They knew suffering in a real way. They were human and flawed and I love them for it.

The story of Joshua takes place right after the Israelites have wandered in desert for 40 years. Moses, their leader, the man with the plan, has just died. God has led them to their Promised Land- their new home, everything that this displaced family has yearned for, and they discover that this land is already inhabited by vicious warriors and giants. Conquering this Promised Land was such a daunting task that the Israelites had cowered once before, and were sent back to wander the desert until an entire generation died off. Now they have come back and, in Joshua 1, you hear God's pep talk to His nation. His words here resonated deep within my soul.

You see, I have faced my own wilderness wandering. For six months, my life was as dry and desolate as a desert, when I faced my first battle with cancer. God was there the whole time and I saw Him do wonderful things, but by the end of my fight, I was exhausted. Then I stood on the edge of my Promised Land, ready to launch into a whole new life, only to be halted by giants. I now understand the Israelites like I never have before- I understand their fear that they just didn't have it in them to fight when they were so exhausted, when they had already been through so much, when they were ready to receive what God promised them. And yet their hardest fight still lay ahead. Just imagine. Its there, right there- all you have been promised, all you have desired for your entire life- right there! Only...there are giants and armies in between you and your destiny. Its just a sickening feeling. But listen to God's words:

"This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." (Josh 1:9)

He goes on to tell them to focus on His instruction, instead, and I felt like a dried sponge soaking up water. It is so easy to look at the giants. They are scary. When armies are screaming for your demise, it is hard to not let it effect you. Few people look forward to going into a brutal fray, especially when they know they will leave it scathed. It is even easier to get lost in the battle and forget why you are fighting in the first place. But God says, "Don't look at the giants. Don't focus on every swing of your battle ax, or the exhaustion of your sword arm, or the mayhem surrounding you. Focus on what I am saying to you. Now. Listen to Me."
"Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do." (Josh 1:8)

If you have read my title, I am sure you are wondering where the toilet training comes in. Well, cue horrible analogy from a mom deep in the depths of potty training. Olive's favorite part of potty training is putting on a clean diaper. The girl LOVES it. However, when I move to take the soiled diaper off, she screeches like a banshee in a terminal ward. I usually have to chase her around the house, tearing bits of her diaper off in intervals, less I be pelted with toddler-sized fists of fury. What my child doesn't see is that in order to get the, dare I say, blessing of a new diaper, she has to surrender the soiled one to me first. I realized this morning, after a particularly difficult battle with Sweet Darling, that I am not much different from her. I am howling about losing my health, losing my plan, about being momentarily uncomfortable, instead of relaxing and knowing that the clean diaper..er, blessings, will come. He has promised good to me. And God is excellent at delivering His promises.

So here is my pledge.
I will forcibly choose to look UP.
I will rip my eyes away from my giants,
I will not gaze down at myself and my own injuries,
I will not focus on my enemy,
I will not gaze longingly at my Promised Land,
I will look UP.
And I will see God.