"...so to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged The Lord to take it away. Each time he said, ' My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -- 2 Cor 12:7-10
This has been a week of weakness. This week, fear comes to haunt me, even moments after I am sure I have moved past it. Momentary distractions come like gifts from heaven itself, however trepidation looms in its shadows. Shame stings my eyes as I acknowledge what a strong role fear has played in my life. When I was younger, Fear of Being Alone made most of my decisions for me. Made me into a person I was not. As I aged, Fear of Being Insignificant caused me to live without Christ's love and have an inflated sense of self. Now, I am older, and still my fear looms over me like a monster, more powerful and far greater than anything I have faced so far. Like the infamous beast, Hydra, each time I believe I have slayed my demons by severing them at the head, three more vicious heads sprout from the wound. Fear of the Unknown, Fear of Suffering, Fear of the Future, Fear of Cancer, Fear of Death...they keep coming quicker than I can quench them. Fear IS my greatest weakness. Always has been.
Thus far, I have made it through the week by taking it one medical procedure at a time. I can do anything for short periods of time. That has been my mantra. When I was to recieve my bone marrow biopsy and apprehension caused rivulets of sweat to permeate my skin, I repeated over and over "It'll only take 15 minutes. I can do anything for 15 minutes. Just 15 minutes." And I was right- I did it and all was ok after 15 minutes. I was able to laugh and play and enjoy my family....until the next fear came to plague me. All week long, I have experienced a roller coaster of highs and lows that can only come to one who is ruled by fear. There is always another bump in the road, another procedure which to fear, another unknown to face.
Monday: Bone Marrow Biopsy
Thursday: Fun with my girl at Omaha Zoo
Friday: Surgery for my central line catheter (which is how I will receive my chemo and stem cells)
Sunday: Family Fun Day at the Aquarium!
The verse above came to me like a healing balm for my exhausted spirit. I am weary from trying to act brave. I hate admitting when I am scared, in fact, simply asking the nurses for help- admitting that I was terrified of my treatment- brought me to tears. Embracing weakness is not something that comes easily for me and is definitely not something I have ever bragged about. For my fear, my greatest weakness, to become something that makes me strong is truly an act of God. I have NEVER faced fear well- as a child, I would literally become hysterical, in the truest sense of the word, when asked to face something that scared me. As an adult, I still have that natural, internal reaction. My next step in my treatment is to collect stem cells and then begin my eight day transplant process. Six of those days will be spent recieving a high dose chemotherapy. At the mere thought of this, the little girl inside me is throwing a show-stopping, lung exhuasting, screeching, kicking, and clawing tantrum, the like of which I pray you never have to witness in real life. And yet, here is God saying that this overwhelming fear is PERFECT, because through it, I am going to see how strong HE is. His power works flawlessly in this type of situation. And paradox of all paradoxes: BECAUSE I am weak, I am strong. It is due to the fact that I am such a scardy-cat that God is going to be able to work through me.
So throughout the rest of this process, I will embrace my fear. I will welcome it- or at least attempt to.
Yea, though I walk to the valley of the shadow of chemo, I will fear no illnesses, because God is with me. His rod and his staff, they comfort me... No, that isn't a Bible verse, but it should be, am I right?! The rest of my treatment (including radiation) is going to take approximately three months. With God as my strength, I can do anything for three months. It's just three months.
Rachelle,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I work with Tiffany C. I think she's told you about me. I was recently diagnosed with Non-Hodkins Lymphoma. I've not had to face chemo yet but will be traveling to the Mayo Clinic for further testing. I just wanted to tell you how much your blogs have ministered to me. You have echoed things I've been feeling since the diagnosis. I will be praying for you, that the Lord that has brought you safely to this point will continue to keep you and watch over you. It's so good to know that not only is He able - He is willing! There is a book written by Hannah Hurnard called "Hinds Feet on High Places." It is about a character named "Much-Afraid" and it follows her on her journey through hills and valleys with the Good Shepherd. I get something new out of it every time I read it. If you get a chance and feel up to it, I would suggest reading it. I pray that the Lord will bless and strengthen your family and provide for your every need. Blessings! Jeanette W.