I'll Live Until I Die

Hello, my friends!

It has been a hot minute since I've blogged. In fact, the last blog I wrote, I hadn't even fully completed my treatment. Wow, what a ride it has been since then! I have started probably 15 blogs since that time, but have never had the follow through to complete them. The words just didn't feel right, and I am too idealistic to throw out words into the universe and not have them have true meaning to my being. I always work best from a place of raw genuineness (apparently that is actually a word- I must admit, I'm a little surprised!) The more raw I feel as a person, the more I ache to lay that bare in front of others. My greatest longing (much to my husband's chagrin) is to know the very souls of those around me, and I have found that cannot happen without laying your own soul on the sacrificial table. I also have another very important reason to begin to blog, but I will touch more on that in a moment. First, I must catch you up to all the insane places the Lord has taken us in our journey of life. Hold on to your hats, because, ohmygoodness, what a ride it has been! Miracle after miracle after miracle. The LORD has blessed us, indeed. (And no, this is not a typical #blessed-traffic went my way and I got my raise and my favorite book is now a movie-blessed type situation. I can't wait to share the mind blowing ways God has shown up in the lives of my family!)

First of all, we have had a few additions to our family since I last blogged. And by a few, I mean four. That's right- Jeff and I now have FIVE children! I know. I can't deal with that fact myself, most days. Just in case your mind is spinning a bit, I will break it down for you. In the span of a single year, we went from having one child to having five children. For the mathematically challenged (read: Erica), we gained 4 children in less than 12 months. "How does that even happen?!" you may be asking. No worries- I'm fairly certain my husband is still asking himself that same very same question. Here is the answer in a nutshell (knowing my inability to consolidate, lets just say this is going to be a very LARGE nutshell- possibly a wrecking ball-sized one...sorrynotsorry, God totally deserves to have me go into detail on this one.)

Story of additional child #1: "You are most likely never going to have children again. Your body is already showing signs of menopause. If you want, we can harvest eggs and attempt in vitro later on down the road- but even that would be pretty challenging." When Jeff and I heard these words right before my intensive chemotherapy 2 years ago, we didn't think much of it. God had already blessed us with a BEAUTIFUL handful of a child and we were already headed down the road of adoption, so we waived the opportunity to harvest any eggs. It wasn't something that we were particularly torn up about. So, after completing three different types of chemo in the span of a year and half, after completing 3 weeks of daily radiation therapy, we took a trip to my gynecologist. At this point, we wanted as few additional hormones and chemicals in my body as possible, to ensure that nothing would encourage my cancer to rear its ugly head in our lives ever again. We were planning to do fertility testing to see if I even needed to continue taking birth control. Well, for those of you who are blissfully ignorant in all things reproductive, in order to perform that particular test, you have to be off of your birth control for a month before they can perform fertility testing. No problem, we thought. My body gave us every sign that I had gone through menopause some time ago...(everyone with a brain knows where this story is going)....a WEEK later, we were pregnant. Just, what the what, you guys. It was insane. The world's leading lymphoma/ transplant specialist, whose name you will see on all the research and the studies, and who also happens to be a part of my oncology team, said she had NEVER seen anyone get pregnant post-stem cell transplant this quickly. The best she has seen (before me) was getting pregnant three years later. Lets just let that sink in for a sec. Three years was the earliest pregnancy they had seen prior to my pregnancy. I was pregnant with Blake Leigh three and a half MONTHS after transplant. High five for God #1. Blake Leigh Elaine (whose name consequently means Darkness, Healer, Light and whose initials spell out BLES- all accidents) was born to us on August 31, 2015- just two days shy of my one year anniversary for my stem-cell transplant. 

Story of additional children 2-4: You still with me? I told you: this nutshell is more of a Pandora's Box- except everything coming out is straight up goodness instead of evil and chaos and horribleness. So, two roughly a week or two after our miracle baby was born, God was in the process of bringing our three sons to their new forever family. Sneaky Guy! My darling sister and her husband had opened their home to hurting and aching foster children a few weeks prior. M was among the first to enter their home. Jeff and I met him, and loved him, but also knew that this 8 year old darling was part of a sibling group of three boys. And he was the youngest. The other two were *enter slasher music* TEENAGERS. NO THANK YOU. Not even a little bit interested- we can't do teenagers- we have a three year old and an infant at home. Not possible. Nope. Done. End of Story. *Now insert God laughing hysterically at Jeff and my plans* We met M's two older brothers, S and J two months after Blake Leigh was born. (Sorry- I have to use initials until our adoption is complete...oh, and spoiler alert- we were wrong and are actually adopting a sibling group of three boys)  Jeff was going to deer camp and the girls and I were coming up for the day to hang out and cook s'mores, yada yada. We knew that M's older brothers were visiting over the weekend (the boys were in two separate foster homes. You know, because there are three of them and all- my gosh, we are some kind of crazy). Well, very long story somewhat shortened, that night I fell in love with all three of those boys (I already adored M. But teenage boys were scary to me- there is a very good reasons I am only certified to teach elementary children). Never in your life have you met boys as insanely incredible as mine. I'm serious. Come meet them and you will see I am 100% accurate. Do it. I dare you. To have gone through their rough lives, and end up as considerate and caring and fun and thoughtful and marvelous as these kids are- it blows my mind every single day. The rest is history. The very night I met them, I apologetically looked at my husband as I was about to drive away and leave him with the boys for a hunting holiday. I'm pretty sure the conversation was exactly as follows:

Me: Hey, baby. I'm going to tell you something and you are going to roll your eyes and tell me I'm crazy. But I just want you to really give it an open mind. Take these few days and really think about it.

Jeff: *Rolls eyes* No. We aren't doing it. 

Me: I haven't even said anything yet!

Jeff: We are not adopting THREE boys. 

Me: *Big Grins* Just think and pray, because I'm pretty sure these are the ones. For real. It's them. 

Jeff: *BIG sigh* Ok, I will think about it. Just think. You are an insane woman who wants to slowly murder me by wearing me beyond my limits. In four years of marriage, we have done two kids, two cancers, and now you want me to do three adoptions of older kids- not 1-2 younger ones, like we had previously discussed and agreed upon. Why did I ever marry you- you belong in an asylum! 

Ok, so maybe that wasn't how he responded, verbatim. It was probably more along the lines of "I love you. You are crazy, but of course I will think about it." 6 months later, the boys moved in with their forever-crazy-about-them-family. I love these boys more than life- and their dad and sisters feel the same! J is the most incredible 15 year old you have ever met, S is our 13 year old that will make you laugh until your sides hurt, and M is the most compassionate 9 year old of all time. They are perfect and they are mine forever. High fives #2, 3, and 4 for God!

Now, don't get me wrong. Adding four children to our family has been one of the hardest things that Jeff and I have ever gone through, and we have been through some really sizeable storms together. It is a lot of adjustment and change and us dealing with children who are dealing with hurts that no person should ever have to deal with. Lots of dealing going on. Adoption is NOT painless, but, God, its beautiful. It is a shattered mosaic, a flawed masterpiece, a crumbled, ancient structure- all the more beautiful for its ruins. I'm sure future blogs will deal heavily with the subject because it is a whole THING all on its own. But, even with the addition of four children, I STILL don't have you caught up. Oh yes, there is more. 

Almost a month ago, I called my oncologist in Fayetteville. I had been having night sweats for the past couple of months (never a good sign in the cancer world). I have not had a scan since becoming pregnant with Blake. I wanted a scan to clear the air- I was sure it was nothing, but just wanted to double check. I was positive I was fine...right up until they showed us to our room in the oncologist's office. I looked over at Jeff. "Will you stay home from work the rest of the day if we get a bad answer?" "Of course I will! But we won't- it will be ok." I was now certain. The news wasn't going to be good. And I was right. Four "hot spots" showed up. It was presenting on the scan exactly like my lymphoma had in the past. My doctor said that while he was 98% this was cancer, he wanted a biopsy just on the off-chance that it was some weird, bizarre infection. So two weeks and one biopsy later, we received our results. The node in my neck was benign. Great news and horrible news all at once. Cancer was not in my neck! Yay!! But, there are three more spots that we will most likely will be unable to biopsy because they are in my abdomen. So, it may still be cancer. Boo! Add to that, the fact that when diagnosed with both of my cancers I have had previously, we received a biopsy that was negative, only to have another biopsy a week later confirming our fears- that I had cancer.

So, now you are caught up. We are in a place of waiting. Waiting to hear if I have cancer again. Waiting to see how dramatically our already topsy-turvy lives may be altered. I am not sure what our next step in our diagnostic process will be. There will be many things for my doc to consider. Lord, give him wisdom. 

For now, this is where I will leave it. I now have children who will have access to my blogs, since they are cool and internet savvy. I will not put the unnecessary fears that plague adults into their hearts. In fact, it is for all of my children/ husband that I finally found the reason to begin to blog again. It could be that, in a few weeks, we find out all is well. And that would be great! I would love that! However, this process has shown me that there may come a day where I am no longer around for them to hear my voice or for me to teach them my heart and instruct them on the things that really matter in life. It is for them that I am writing. I want them to always have a piece of me. I want to be able to reach out to them through this overly bright and meaningless screen, from behind these words that will fade almost as quickly as they are uttered, and see me. Know my overwhelming love for them. Be able to know where I stand, and what I think, and feel my insane love for them. Because it is immense. Darlings, if you ever read this and I am no longer beside you, know that my love is so deep, it makes my entire body tingle. I literally feel my love you in my stomach, in my tearing eyes, all the way through to my curled toes. Read this. Read this over and over a hundred thousand times, and you will know a fraction of my love for you. Which is miniscule compared to the love that God has for you. Never forget that. Every moment I have breath to draw, I will tell you those two things: I love you with everything I am. God loves you more. I will prayerfully live that in my life. And TO LIVE is what I fully intend to do. I will live every moment fully. Treasuring your faces. Treasuring our fights. Treasuring your humor and personality. Treasuring your eyes and voices and kisses. Seconds are valuable to me. Many women lament in their aging. I will value every grey hair and celebrate every wrinkle. Every year I get older is another year I get to spend with you.

 Lord, give me as much time as I need to show my loves Your love. My love. Our love for the hurting. Our love for them. Our love for the lost and unloved. My love for Your law, which is love. Your Gospel of peace, even in the most turbulent of times. You are great and awesome and mighty and have blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Blessed be Your name!